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Now instead of singing in front of bars she sings behind them. Here on my right you’ll something rather gross and disgusting. I call her Miss Piggy. From the size of her you’ll know she has not missed a meal in quite awhile. To be honest she weighs over four hundred pounds, that was the last time I could get her on a scale. Under all that mud she is wallowing in she is naked, in fact more than naked I had all her body hair permanently removed. You see Miss Piggy was my first wife, that was when she weighed a lot less. Her big mistake was calling me a pig once too often. If you look close you can see the wedding ring I gave her, she’s still wearing it. Of course she now wears it through her nose. See you later dear. Next we have a more domestic animal, a cat. This feline is very special . In fact to me she is purrfect. Please forgive the pun. Her name was Kitty McCall and she was a stripper in Los Angeles. One night I caught her show and then later her. . It had become more like a nuclear winter than any sort of summer. By the time we reached Wakefield it was raining heavily. And, by the time we reached my home town, the rainwater was coming down in stair-rods.AdvertisementsMy intention had been to walk the mile between the railway station and that evening’s pub, drawing a few admiring glances as I went . . . but not in that monsoon. Damning the expense, I piled into the first available taxi and, five minutes later, settled up right outside the front door.‘Call it a fiver,’ my cabbie said.I could see from the meter that the fare was over eight quid. But my Asian driver (who had introduced himself as “George” and had a much better Yorkshire accent than I did) just grinned at me.‘Call me direct anytime you need a cab,’ he said, thrusting a personalized card at me. ‘I guarantee to give the best ride in these parts.’Because he looked like a young Omar Sharif, I returned his grin.‘Next time I need a good ride I’ll think of you,’ I assured.
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